Today would have been our wedding day.
I miss you. It was such a lovely day, Everyone was so happy and we were such a joyous little group. I wore a pink suit to the register’s office. I don’t know what happened to that suit. I had white fairytale dress for our wedding, I think I still have this but I don’t know where… My uncle performed the service for us and one of my friends, an opera singer sang as I walked down the aisle. It all sounds quite grand but really it was simple. I even bought the wedding flowers that morning from the market. I don’t remember what kind they were.
I’ve gone to Crete to try something different but I can’t seem to get away from this sadness that I carry. It feels too heavy sometimes. I’m tried and I miss you. I hate this life without. Perhaps hate is too strong a word. I did hate it, but now I don’t. All those clichés, ‘life is precious’ how can I really hate life knowing that I’m here in the birthplace of Zeus, surrounded by history, myth and the beauty of the sea. You loved the sea, I think that’s why I keep coming back to it, but as much as it heals me, it breaks my heart a little bit each time.
It’s funny being in Greece, so often I’ve wailed full of ugly crying and in these moments I felt like I could be one of the wailing women in Greek Chorus, and now here I am. What wedding anniversary is it? Since you’re gone, do I still count each new year as an anniversary? Or did the numbers freeze at the last one we spent together? How does this really work? Up to me I suppose?
People told me the second and third year after loss would be harder, which seemed impossible to believe. Now I understand what they meant. You really do live in a fog the first year of grief, you live, you go through the motions, you think you’re living and all your emotions are new experiences but really you’re surround by a fog that protects you and keeps you safe. When you’re in a fog you don’t know you’re in fog, you can’t see it. It’s just how you are living.
Another anniversary without you. Slowly this fog is lifting.