Taking of your Wedding Rings, Life after Loss

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I my ring. My husband was a true romantic. He proposed to me on the Isla Mujeres – the Island of Women near Mexico, searched the jewellery district in New York to find me a vintage engagement ring and then had my ring made for me by a small family run jeweller in Hatton Gardens. There were no half measures about for him. was big. It’s been a year and half since he passed away and I have no desire to remove my wedding ring. I haven’t worn by engagement ring since he died. When he was alive I never really wore my rings every day, I was always afraid of catching them on clothes while working – so I wore whenever the mood stuck and always for special occasions. Since he died my engagement ring stays in a cute little vintage ring box. I looked at it for the first time in a year and a half and broke down sobbing. I couldn’t even try it on. It felt like there was no point.

Now, since my husband passed away I can’t leave the house without wearing my wedding ring. I feel obsessed, lost and unsafe without it. I don’t feel single, and I know I’m not married any more. Those words “until death do us part” didn’t mean much to me when I got married, but now as a widow – it means not married. The strange thing is I don’t feel unmarried or single like I did before meeting my husband. I still love my husband, but ‘in love’? No, and I loved being in love.

I feel safe, protected when I wear my wedding ring. There is a status in wearing my ring, I don’t want to look divorced, I don’t want to be single. I don’t really want this life but here it is anyway. After loss, many women move their wedding ring to their right hand, or wear it on a chain, or have it made into something else. Right now I have no desire for this, I’m not ready to make space for this new life, but maybe in time. I think there is a Jewish ritual about taking off the wedding ring, I’m not Jewish but a ritual and acknowledgement seems like a like a good idea.

There is no right time to take off your ring. I know women who took their ring off the day their husband died and I know other women who wore their rings until their death. When you choose to take off your ring, the decision is a significant milestone in the journey of and I’m just not there yet.

 

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One comment

  1. Joyce Bezusko
    March 7, 2017 at 18:18

    Hi Rebekah:
    Not sure why I am writing this, just felt compelled to. Although I have not experienced the death of my husband (thank God) I wanted to tell you how I was so deeply moved by your beautiful and romantic love story. I have experienced grief with many in my life, and understand that with each person, there is a different kind of pain. You have made me “feel” your pain deeply and given me much food for thought. One thing I think I do identify with is finding a passion in an attempt to fill the void (although nothing quite does)to dull the pain, or simply to provide a distraction from that pain. I too have found the “new” love in my mind is to create from the heart, the soul and the very embodiment of my being. Thank you for enlightening me to this very sensitive and personal life experience. You are a warrior to share this. You have given me a gift.
    Creatively
    Joyce

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